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Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Nothing a little air guitar-ing can fix...

Holy Hot Hell On a Stick Batman!!

I'm turning 21 in ten days!!!

Now, I'm not sure when I began to slight dread the cake and song but I'm on a mini panic induced writing spree. Why? Oh because I promised myself that I'd finish my book by my birthday and as each hour trickles by I get the feeling that I'll be letting myself down if I don't finish. So I have been writing, and writing, and oh yeah, writing. I'm making progress but life gets in the way of art, time gets sucked out of my days and I'm left wondering where the time went. Of course I know where it went but I lament the hours I fritter away with sleep. Oh, how I wish I could, just for a week or two be able to skip the whole REM sleep cycle in order to get things done.

But even though I'm on my own self-imposed deadline, I'm oddly excited about this birthday. I'm not really sure why but it's kind of a big deal, I mean...21! My heart is racing and my hands are shaking a little bit...is this what a mini panic attack feels like? If so, I'm sure it's nothing a little air guitar dancing can't fix.

In other news--and please stay with me for this because I love exploring and I would be delighted if you would be the Lewis to my Clark...or Clark to my Lewis, whichever may you prefer--I have decided to do a series of posts on one multi leveled topic. As an artist/student/writer I'm asked to explore different emotions, themes and situations, asked to dive deep into the perils of these unknowns and let myself become immersed in them and then create. Often times I find myself drowning, and when I surface I can't help but be inspired. One theme, or emotion if you will, that I have been digging my way through is...Desire.

There are so many different facets of Desire that I think it might be fun to toil a while in this, unknown, yet so familiar feeling...what do you think?

Shall we make for some interesting writing and art pieces?

Have a lovely Tuesday!

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's always nice to be on the reciving end...

OK. So, I fully understand just how wrong that sounded...or maybe it only sounded wrong to me. Cures these damn Catholic sensibilities--I swear people think that simply because priest roamed the campus the students are little angels dropped from heave but in fact, our minds tend to err on the side of 'That's what she said', and then we feel guilty about it. Simply dirty...I giggle in my head(or often times not in my head) when those types of bombs are dropped. Forgive me.

*he he*


So I was given this award by Iggy, a fantastic blogger with affinity of traffic cones that will have you smiling all day. Really, I notice the smile...but then again perhaps that's because Iggy is awesome.
The rules are as follows: answer these questions using only one word and then pass the award along to 6 others -


1. Where is your cell phone?...Gone
2. Your hair?...Tousled
3. Your mother?...Cool
4. Your father?...Protective
5. Your favorite food?...Piaya
6. Your dream last night?... Racy
7. Your favorite drink?...Coffee
8. Your dream/goal?... Success
9. What room are you in?... Mine
10. Your hobby?...Tons(I have so many of them...)
11. Your fear?... Abandonment
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years?... Seattle/New York
13. Where were you last night?... Home
14. Something you aren't?... Slutty
15. Muffins?...Gross
16. Wish list item?... Tom Ford TF 5040 glasses(I know more than one word but I couldn't help myself.)
17. Where did you grow up?...Los Angels
18. Last thing you did?... Dance(Triple shots do that to me)
19. What are you wearing?... Tank
20. Your TV?...Neglected
21. Your pets?...None
22. Your friends?... Fan-effing-tastic
23. Your life?... Progressing
24. Your mood?...Playful
25. Missing someone?...Yup.
26. Vehicle?...Dead
27. Something you're not wearing?...Pants (Out of the gutter, please!)
28. Your favorite store?...Amoeba
29. Your favorite color?...Black
30. When was the last time you laughed?...Morning
31. Last time you cried?...Yesterday
32. Your best friend?...Queen
33. One place that I go over and over?...Past(Got to stop doing that!)
34. One person who emails me regularly?...eHarmony(No joke, I swear it's true!)
35. Favorite place to eat?...Outside


It is far more difficult to answer questions with only one word--I tried but I broke the rules a couple of times. Oh, well. Really, who's gonna do something about it. Now, I tag every one who read this blog, everyone. Yes it sounds lazy but every single one of you lovely followers are Aces in my book so I think you deserve a little morsel of a treat, because, well, who doesn't love awards.


Ok! It's Friday, the world is engrossed in New Moon mania--I haven't seen it and despite Robert's roguish good looks, I will not be watching this movie--and I have a football game to attend to tonight. My Alma mater (Bishop Amat) has blitzed their way into playoffs and I must be there to support my Lancers. Going back always make me tear up. Half my life was spent in those halls and though I have grown up a bit since then, I always yearn for the days spent in green plaid and an oxford shirt--shit, I forgot about the deans. OK, I don't miss them at all, in fact I really do loath seeing people I went to school with years later because for the some reason the ones who never spoke to me are always the ones that say hello and try to act friendly. Hello, you avoided me like hell in high school and now you want to be buddy buddy friends? And then there is the always awkward, too tight, far too long hug from a person who make your skin crawl. I think Amat should be happy that I'm willing to endure those things simply to watch greatness on a football field.


Happy Fridays My lovelies!


What are you doing this fine day? This weekend?


P.S. My birthday is upon us(14 days!!)and I'm freaking out a bit. I'll talking brown paper bag, big breath in, big breath out. Yikes! Where did my time go?


Thursday, November 19, 2009

I have a Ghost...perhaps more than one.


I have had a hunch about this for a while, never fully admitting it to myself because I'd think that I have some semblance of sanity. But lately, the proof is clear.


It started with the sensation of being watched. You know the shiver that runs down your spine alerting you that you are most definitely not alone, only I'm most always faced with an empty room with nothing for my searching eyes to find purchase on. I ignored it, chalked it up to my taste in books, movies and my imagination. Not to mention the morbid fascination with every supernatural shows on Syfy channel(Shameless, I know. It's a guilty pleasure.)While I'm chopping veggies in the kitchen I'd get the feeling, brush it off, and turn the music up a notch. But some months ago it sort of changed.

*I don't know if you guys remember that time I trip ed out o my bed and I felt hands steady me, that was the first time I started to actually tell myself that this was a possibly. Ghosts...in my house.*


One day I was down stairs, fruitlessly flipping through a million channels, when I head the floor boards creek, and then a door slam. Now, I always...always close my door, I have a this thing about privacy. If I could lock my door from the outside I would. I went up stairs and saw the my door was shut, as were all the others, naturally I went back down stairs to put in a movie because television sucked. I got the DVD, put in on and sat back down and in the silence that takes place between the FBI warning and the actual movie I heard a soft click, the protest of my sticky door hinges and then nothing. My heart was beating wildly in my chest, the movies paused and my ear perked up like a puppy awaiting the mailman. Just as I started settling down and the was beginning the door slammed...loudly.


I should have been scared, or at least I should have left the house or something but I didn't. After rereading that sentence I realize that it sounds like the horrific beginning to a scary movie, one where the stupid girl dies because she didn't leave the house. But I have to say the atmosphere in the house at those times are never threatening, because if they were you can bet you ass that I'd be out of the house, Vogue, shoes and laptop in hand in under ten seconds flat.

It happens so often that I joke around where ever I leave...call out to the Ghost to take care of things while I'm gone.


Sometimes I walk into a room and ask myself if I turned off the light or if I left it on. One very distinct time I remember shutting off the light in the bathroom, but when I walked back inside the light was on. I also joke and tell the light flipping Ghost to shut off the lights because...hello, energy cost money.


I've come to the realization that I may have two...or three Ghosts in my house. I refuse to believe that the one that caught me--kept me from banging my head on the floor--is the same one slamming doors or turning on lights. As I sitting in my room writing this I can feel the prickle of irritation that come from having someone read over my shoulder...once again the room is empty, or at least it seems that way to my eyes.

Perhaps I should name them...


Happy Thursday.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Crossing the line...

Happy Monday! How was your weekend?

Mine came with a realization--a few fast approaching milestones. As some of you may know (if you follow me on Twitter) my family came for a visit. If you have family you are well aware of the fact that with the love comes drama.



Every time I mention them I feel like I have to reassure you readers about my unwavering love for them, mostly because they can make me a bit crazy at times. Well, after some small, shall we say wrinkles prior to the actual day of the gathering, it went off without a hitch. Surprisingly, no one got pissy and the raised voices were ones of excitement and laughter. But it got me thinking...

You see, my brother's birthday is tomorrow--the big 20, and mine is in roughly 17 or so days, and the blatant fact that us "children" of the family are crossing that line of childhood and becoming adults has been staring me in the face all weekend. I won't go into detail but my family consists of only my mother's side and I wouldn't have it any other way, they aren't too many of us. Our older cousin was already practically an adult by the time I came along. My cousin Jorge is already 20(has been for a few months now), his brother is fourteen, my brother is leaving the teens behind and I'll soon be able to order a drink and it be totally legal. As inevitable as these milestone are they make me jumpy. Just as high school graduation and turning the big 18 did, the milestones ahead of me make my fingers quiver (not a good thing for an artist, let me tell you.) and questions dance behind my teeth.

Sitting there surrounded by the people I hold dear I couldn't help but wonder what this phase of adulthood will bring. Will we still be the kids, forever doomed to be treated as such despite the license and vast vocabulary? How they handle three overly out spoken people in their twenties?

Tomorrow I'll be wishing my not so little brother happy birthday, eating some Thai wraps and waving at the milestone. Here's to crossing the line...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

They can smell fear...

I have this theory...care to listen to it?
Here it is.
The entire human race is afraid. Yes, I know what I just threw out there, and yes it is utterly true. Deny it all you want, kick and scream but in the end the it will pop into to your head that the very reason you are fighting is because of that fear. We are all afraid to fall too deep, to stumble, to feel too much, to feel to little. We fear the unknown, the future, the past, the present. Each day is drenched in this aroma of fear...of the ultimate failure.
To show ones fear to the world would be damming. To lay bear for all to judge is such an inconceivable concept that, in shame, the masks come on and days and years go by unnoticed and one day you wake up and realize you have no clue what lurks behind that perfectly gilded masquerade. And in a vicious cycle that makes your head spin and stomach drop, the mask doesn't get removed...out of fear.
(What do you think? This is the Preface to that elusive book I keep talking about.)

Fucking Fear.
***
But who said fear was evil, a sign of weakness, or some genetic deformity resulting from your mother's lack of anti-caffeine willpower? Who said it has to be bad?


One fear of mine is...brace yourselves, being left, behind, alone. I can't explain it, there is no explanation. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed that everyone, my family, would leave me...die. In fear I would hyperventilate when my parent came home a little later that usual, my mind wandering to the all too ready images of them bleeding somewhere away from me. Later it was that same fear that keep me from falling a sleep until I knew that everyone I loved was safe. That same fear that made me check their bedrooms in the wee hours of the morning--it was and still is irrational and I know this. As years passed and I grew up another facet of this fear grew in my chest begging for attention, loneliness. A sad solitary feeling that no amount of family can fill. The fear of dying without companionship. I know what you must be thinking, Geesh girl, take a Prozac and get the f*** over it. It too is an irrational fear, with no explanation, much like arachnophobia seizes some, this thought grips me, even at my short 20 years of life.

Will I always be alone?

Then when it does find you, when love touches your heart, the fear doesn't fade. Instead a new layer builds,forms, more complex and convoluted than the prior one. Shit! Will it ever end, you ask yourself.
No. And that shouldn't scare you, because in the recesses of that feeling I, you, find just how deeply your heart is capable of loving.
People say that fear is how you know you're alive and that love only makes the fear stronger because we are so vulnerable...so at the mercy of someone else.
I don't know why we hide, it's useless...they can smell fear.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Today we remember why we fight, how we came to be free and those who made it possible.



Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Cold Lethal Tendrils


It knew I was dreaming, as one always knows when they are trapped in a dream by the heavy stupor in every limb. I knew I was not in a dark labyrinth of trees and turned over trunks, in reality I knew that I was not being stalked by anything other than a wildly out of control imagination. But that knowledge didn't quite the hammering in my chest, the rushing of cold blood in my veins, not did it stop my feet from moving slowing, from taking me deeper into unknown.
The leaves shook as I pasted them, 'Stop. Go back,' they said to me. But I did not or could not listen. Forward I pushed, ignorantly seeking cover from the rising slick fear of being hunted, tracked, by something with eyes in every opened weave in the canopy of branches above me. In the purple moonlight I felt them watching me, on and on I moved like a ghost through mist. What could it be, I asked myself as I passed yet another looming tree, what creature could possibly be stalking my steps.
I don't know how long I walked, it could have been an eternity, months or a mere minutes--in dreams time often looses all meaning, it falls away. After a while my lungs were quivering from the frigid night air, so I pressed my face to the rough bark of an less offending giant. It's trunk shivered at the moment my cheek rested against it, either because of the harsh ice of my fast coming breath or because of the fear leaking out from my pores. I was acutely aware of being lead somewhere...but unable to know for certain.
"Where is he leading me?" I shouted at still forest, in a quite desperation. I needed to wake soon, I knew it, but I could not feel my way back. I could not feel where I knew my body was laying in slumber. Quietly, and quite suddenly a sob escaped my lips, and tears trickled down my cheeks.
"Go back. Stop, dear girl, he sees all. You're playing his game," I heard the trees speak with age and dirt. "Go back the way you came and don't stop for anything. GO! NOW!"
Without a second thought I turned to go the way I came from but from the corner of my eye I saw a blue haze in the distance. Draw like a moth to the flicking flame of death I walked towards it, my hands out stretched to touch it's beauty.
"NO! Stop, the game, dear turn and go home."
I heard the tree through a muffled cotton wool fog but I did not heed his warning, instead I watched with hot fascination as the luminous Dahlia surged with color. It was just a little further, three maybe four steps and I could feel it's smooth silky petals beneath my fingers.
"This is how he wins!"
One step. The flower bloomed and grew twice it's size before my eyes.
"Stop, dear girl! STOP!"
Two steps and the color went from bright glowing blue to a pulsing lupine. As always this color captured me, like the one I saw in the mirror every morning. It was such a alluring color.

One more step and I'd be where I wanted to be, but I couldn't move. My arms were glued to seemingly nothing and my legs suspend in mid air, as was my body. Sticky threads of glistening tendrils wove themselves around my body, hold me still, the paralysis seeping into my bones.
"What is this," I asked weakly, as my eyelids drooped lower.
"This is how he wins." The tree spoken mournfully before I lose my grip on the heliotrope woodland.

It was dark, that much I could see from my place in my bed. I shivered and was quickly reminded that I had left the window open before I drifted off to sleep. The moon was full and bright through the screen, sending rays of white light into my sanctuary. I went to move, the shut the window but my arms did not obey the command, neither did my legs. I opened my mouth to scream, to alarm anyone with ears to my distress but nothing ripped through the silence in the room. My mouth stayed opened in a quite scream as ice cold tears fell down my cheeks and that is when I saw it.

The same sticky threads of glistening tendrils, wrapped around the drapes that hung in front of my bed, stretched over the corners of the walls, and winding around the post of the iron bed. Afraid of what I would find I glanced down to see my body tightly cocooned in the same threads of paralysis.
I heard a ghostly chuckle from the corner, and out of the shadows came my hunter, shaking his head. The gleam in his eyes--more than two-- as he walked slowly towards the foot of my bed lanced my heart with the realization that this would be the night I died.
"Shush," he cooed, caressing my face his hands."He warned you, didn't he?" A voice serenely dispassionate made it's way to my ears. "No, matter. I have my tricks as well. Did you like the flower?" I saw the same lupine flower twirling between his fingers, so many fingers. It was more beautiful than in the forest. He smiled, showing me his razor sharp teeth and placed the dahlia on my wed covered chest. Pressing a kiss to my wet cheek he whispered against my skin, "It's the least I could do."

I could nothing more than watch as silk flew from his hand to the spot on the ceiling I had the habit of staring at when sleep evaded me. More threads, woven together in intricate patterns, shinning with beads, attached itself on to the ceiling a dripped down until it was hovering over my mouth. The beads ran together, sliding down like a rivulets of water falling from the sky. I was captured by the beauty of those unknown drops of diamonds, fascinated as it dripped slowly down the tendrils. I wondered what it would taste like...perhaps sweet like honey.
"Open your mouth." He commanded in a hoarse voice.
I did as he said and the moment the drop landed on my tongue I knew that this was how he won. As a thousand tiny pin pricks of pain shot through me, as I felt the blood being drawn out, I knew that this was how he won.